i like to think i'm ok now. not totally, i haven't junked any of the stuff, the SMSes, the photos and all that. can't bear to look at them, can't bear to throw them away either. but at least i'm no longer losing sleep over you. at the practicum school, there's a new guy who reminds me a lot of you, so much that i couldn't stop staring the first day (and the rest of the week). the hair, the spectacles, the height, the way the face crinkles into a smile and even the slightly gawky walk some tall guys have. he's scrawnier, bit shorter - just a few centimetres shy of 180cm i think, overall more scholarly and admittedly just a wee bit cuter. very disturbing. i wonder if he's noticed me staring. we've never spoken. i don't really think there's a need to. simply looking is kinda fun actually. and in a sad lil' twisted sort of way, this gives some of the closure i never managed to get previously. so it's good. i'll enjoy it while it lasts.

in the meantime, the music keeps me alive. and i realised i have really nice pals who rallied around and made everything easier to bear. in some aspects of life, i'm still very much blessed.

a final note. hindsight is always perfect. but if only i'd known. i'd have lingered more over.. everything. just goes to show how much is taken for granted on an everyday basis. but no regrets whatsoever, that's just a bloody waste of time.